Gender identity and depression

Depression is a terrible thing, it sneaks up on you and envelopes you in its dark blanket. And it's made worse in that I for one know it's cure for me but am unable to take that particular pill.

It affects me, but I am coping, I wear my mask at work that everything is OK, I force a smile in front of my family, I face the world and tackle it head on, but inside I'm hurting.

The cure for me is my dressing, it lifts my spirit, I turn to the mirror and instead of seeing the sad,aging, grey man with the pressures of the world on his shoulders, I see a happy, younger, pretty woman smiling back at me. But sacrifices must be made, society would rather I be miserable than to make it uncomfortable with my gender identity. My wife gives me time to myself to dress up but it always feels awkward and I know it makes her unhappy, but I find myself wanting more and more, and counting the days until I next get the opportunity to dress again.

I read that 40% of transgender individuals attempt suicide, compared to 1% of the general population. Luckily I'm not in this 40%, but it's hard to shake the monkey that is gender dysphoria, time to put on my mask again.

Crossdressing in the Media

Obviously it's origins can be found in Pantomime Dames, comedy seems to have at its foundation men crossdressing to get an easy laugh. During my lifetime I can think of numerous examples of common crossdressing comedies or sketches in British media.

Monty Python has numerous sketches and even a song about a crossdresser (The Lumberjack Song - to quote : he wears women's clothing and hangs around in bars). The Carry On films had it's moments, most of the regular cast crossdresser at some points (even Bernard Breslaw!). The seventies saw Dick Emery with his regular female characters and catchphrases, and by the early 80's Kenny Everrett, Les Dawson, Blackadder and the 2 Ronnies carried the torch.

The 90's saw The League of Gentlemen having regular female characters played by men and this was carried forward by the likes of Little Britain and Bottom.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a lot of these programmes, but it doesn't do the image of us 'normal' crossdressers any good.Instead we have to put up with stereotypes of badly dressed, often bearded men pretending to act like ladies over a backing laughter track. 

And that's just comedies, when we look at serious drama it portrays CD's as prostitutes, freeks or serial killers, dancing around in the skin of their victims or burning people alive in Wicker effergies. And as Eddie Izzard once said in one of his routines that the media often blames transvestism for an umbrella of wierd behaviour, as if wearing women's clothes is the explanation behind all their other character perks.

Is it any wonder that CDer's feel the need to hide themselves in the closet?

At least society is changing, programmes are becoming more sympathetic towards transgender characters, it's just us normal crossdressers (no I'm not a serial killer, sexual predator or pervert!) that needs more positive role models to aspire to.

The Clone Wars

Continuing my observations on dress and gender, I work in an office where Mon-Thurs the dress code is business casual. That means all the men wear a shirt and trousers. Shorts are not allowed even when the office air conditioning is on the blink. Looking round the office all us men are wearing the same shirts with some basic colour deviation with the same dark trousers and shoes.

Now for women it's different, you see trouser suits, dresses, strappy tops, blouses, skirts, boots, flats, heels, cardigans etc all in a dazzling display of colours and patterns.

I went out to a 'Vegas' themed party the other night, again that meant for men you had a choice of suit or tux. The women wore a fabulous variety of dresses, hairdos, makeup, handbags, accessories and so on.

I'd love to have the same variation in my own wardrobe, this is one of the reasons I look forward to being dressed. I'm not a clone, I want to break the mold. It's society that wants my to stay confined within my gender boundaries :(

My own theories on Crossdressing

For this entry I tried to find out a reliable statistic for how many men actually crossdress, but of course I cannot find a straight answer. Some surveys are run by crossdressing sites, so therefore the samples are already skewed, or may be based in one area of the world where crossdressing may be more or less acceptable. The other issue is that CD's are secretive and are taught to hide their nature, even not admitting to themselves.
But figures commonly estimate about 5% of men actively crossdress, and crossdressing is such a wide spectrum that covers from those who may just wear a single item under male clothing, to those who fully present as a female. Just think that in a men's football match with those odds at least one of the players actively crossdresses.
Of course the percentage who harber secret crossdressing feelings is much higher, and I would claim that 50%+ of men have worn women's clothing at some point of their lives.
More reliable surveys of the crossdressing community claim that 70%+ of CDs are straight and the average 'practicing' crossdresser is statistically a Anglo-Saxon married male of around 40 years of age. Only approximately 20% of crossdressers feel they want to fully transition to a female, although there is an awful joke among the transsexual community,-'What is the difference between a Crossdresser and a Transsexual? About 2 years.' When examining the reasons behind crossdressing again there is a plethora of explanations, for some it is a sexual satisfaction, for some an emotional need, others a way to cope with the stresses of society and also for others it's an expression of inner femininity. Each CDer has their own reasons.
Yet some take dressing further and want to present as a female through clothes and makeup. My own theory and observations of this is that as a male I cannot be accepted in public in dresses and skirts, so it becomes important to pass as a woman so evade detection and derision. Therefore a persona is created, and it becomes important from a psychological and survival point of view to succeed as a female when stepping out of the closet.
Then the inner woman is born, but as this inner voice grows, denying this inner female leads to misery and depression.
There is no cure for crossdressing, crossdressing is a journey each individual must take with many paths, ultimately leading to an equilibrium and an understanding of yourself.
My only advise is not to fight it, but to see where it takes you.

Where am I?

As a crossdresser, I am constantly questioning myself about the what, the where, the why, and the when about my dressing. I'm questioning my motives,feeling guilt for hurting those around me, feeling deep shame and embarrassment by my actions. 

Like many a crossdresser I've spent my whole life asking this question:- Why me? Does my dressing make me a freak? Can I just stop? 

I know that I did not choose this, I've had these feelings from an early age. I have an early memory from about 5 years old where I was a narrator in a school play held within the church next to my primary school. The reason has faded from my memory, but I had to wear green tights for this role, my mother asked her friend who had a daughter my age to borrow a pair. I remember walking up the aisle of a packed church in these tights feeling fantastic, but I also remember sniggering and comments from older boys in the audience. This created conflicting feelings of both embarrassment and satisfaction in my appearance. At around this time my parents divorced, without going into detail I was unhappy in my childhood when my mother and me moved in with a bastard (pardon my language) of a stepfather. More and more I descended into my own world, I lived in a world of books and fantasy, my school called in my mother in a couple of occasions to try and deal with my daydreaming as my work was suffering, I would sit alone during school holidays lost in my own thoughts.

About the age of seven or eight a pseudo-Penny emerged,my life was so unhappy that I imagined myself as a girl, thinking that would my life be different as a female?

I started to try on occasional clothing, I remember once making a dress by poking arm holes and a head hole in a bin bag, wearing this with a belt pretending that it was my own dress. My mother and stepfather would go out in the evening leaving me home alone (looking back now leaving me alone makes me so angry), when they thought me asleep I would wait till the door shut and run into my mums room and try on a dress, my heart racing and scared out of my wits as expecting them to return to catch me in the act.

People often think crossdressing is a sexual fetish, but I was doing all this before I even knew about sex, as I child I knew that I had to do this but also knew that this had to be hidden and not disclosed.

As I grew older, dressing became more elaborate, I added undergarments, tights,  lipstick. During my late teens I started acquiring clothing, stuff I knew my mum was throwing out would be intercepted and hoarded, but in fear of being caught I would collect them together and walk miles away from home to dump them far away from me. 

This was cyclic:- collect and dispose. 

I lived in constant fear of being discovered but with this need to express this part of me.

During my twenties, I developed a social life, I suddenly had friends, I worked with people my own age, I went clubbing a few nights a week. I dated women and for the first time began to embrace and enjoy my male side. At this time my dressing wasn't as forefront in my mind, but I would berate myself and feel guilty when I succumbed back to it.

I met a wonderful woman who became my wife, and the mother of my child, and in my mind I tried to box Penny away, my childhood friend and confidant, but she would always come back stronger, each time I would find it harder and harder to keep hiding her away and the guilt grew.

The pressure became too much, after experiencing a wonderful evening out in drag at a Rocky Horror Show with my wife,I knew I couldn't put Penny away any longer and I told her my deepest secret. This was difficult for both of us and going to counselling helped us both to understand that this was a gender issue of mine, that I wasn't gay and wanted to stay married as a male, but I asked if she could also accept Penny.

So there is the why, I have a deep desire to present fully as a female but only on occasions. Do I fully understand it? No,but I have come to terms with it.

So this is where I am now, my wife accepts me for who I am and we live with a simple set of rules:-

1. I don't dress in front of my wife.

2. I tell my wife before I crossdress.

3. I have my own stuff.

4.I don't touch my wife's stuff.

We have both come a long way, we shopped together for my first dress of my own. For Christmas my wife bought me some simple bangles which I love as this was the first time someone had ever bought a gift for Penny. She recently was throwing out some clothes and said I could go through them to see if I wanted anything. I've also been out to a local crossdresser group as Penny with my wife aware of where I was and we both talked about the evening and how it went.

But selfishly I know I want more, I want to share this part of myself with my wife, I'd like to introduce her to Penny, for both of them to be friends.

I also want to learn from my wife, I want to learn how to be a good female: to teach me makeup, what clothes I should wear, and how to behave like a woman when I'm Penny. 

My biggest fear is that Penny is a parody of a woman, merely a drag act, when I want her to be a tribute to femininity, I want to blend in and not stand out, I want to complete this side of myself.

Yet I know my wife struggles with my dual nature, she wants me to be masculine, and i also want to be a good husband and father.

When Penny comes out I feel complete, like the last wedge you need in a game of Trivial Pursuit, I've learned when denying that part of me I fail to function and that bottling this up does 

me harm, it's finding the balance which is the hardest part.

Femininity and why I aspire to it

One of the reasons behind my crossdressing is to release my own femininity. As a generic male society tells you that boys don't cry, boys are not pretty, don't touch that! that's a girls toy! and that you shouldn't show emotion relief, pain or tears, however competitive emotions are encouraged. Boys should fight, and be better than each other - always establish the alpha male, every day is a battle for position. Indeed, any show of such feminine emotions and you are told to 'stop being such a girl', 'man up', and by being brave 'it takes balls'. Convention is that showing any form of femininity as a man is showing weakness, and that acting in anyway like a girl is an insult. So why is it as a me as a man wanting an expression of femininity is so wrong? It's almost as of society has told me I won life's lottery and I'm turning down the prize money!

There are many positive qualities as a female that I am so jealous about; their ability to hold a conversation with strangers in a queue at a supermarket or postoffice when I stumble over what to say to people I know, their deep friendships that last a lifetime , their ability to be able to express emotion when times I feel like Mr. Spock.

And many strong male qualities I find abhorrent, mainly the constant battle with alpha males trying to prove their dominance, the bragging and the way many of them talk about women as objects. As a genetic male I am often embarrassed and apologetic about the actions of my peers.

It's best to describe my emotions as presenting as a female, it takes a lot of effort to pull it off,but when you have a fantastic dress, heels, tights, the makeup has gone to plan and doesn't look like a child's crayon drawing, the hair looks fantastic and like you've just walked out of the salon , when I stand in front of the mirror and see the finished product, my breath is taken away and I stand for minutes admiring and transfixed by the finished result.

I feel beautiful, and sexy, feelings I just don't experience as a male ,these feelings in turn give me confidence and my bearing goes from to my usual slump to a straightening of the back and a lift of my chin, and now I hold my head up high and a smile spreads across my face.

Yet I'm also quick to point out my own imperfections, shoulders too wide, legs too skinny, no describable shape to my body.

But I guess genetic women also do the same too.

Society and Labels

I remember as a kid hearing about Transvestites for the first time and I remember a feeling of relief that I wasn't alone in the world. I hunted down a dictionary (the days before the internet!) and looked up the word to make sure it was real and instantly I felt I had a name for myself, yet as I heard the world used more in TV programmes and films instantly I noticed the derogatory use of the label as an insult, I discarded the term in referring to myself, I felt more just than a 'Tranny'.

When truly admitting to myself about identity, through research I learned that gender and sexual identity are interchangeable, and that there are many identities that fall within a Transgender spectrum or umbrella. Transgender was simply identifying as a gender different to ones birth but contained many categories:-

I chose a name for myself, that I was a Crossdresser, a name that didn't have the connotations and overtones that went with Transvestites, to me it simply meant someone who wears the clothes of the opposite sex.

Yet I knew this was not sufficient, I knew that it wasn't just the clothes, it was the whole 9 yards, when dressed up I felt female and I needed to be female, but I also needed to return back to being male. I felt almost schizophrenic, a battle of personalities within me. The conflict of personalities would affect my mood and I needed to become Penny, I needed to almost inhabit the identity and embrace that feminine side to me that my male side suppressed.

When I went to counselling about my gender identity, in my quest for my identity my councillor stated that I fell under the definition of a Dual-Role Transvestite ( I wasn't happy with the T-word used but the definition fit), a DRT is defined under the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD) under ICD-10 which is the classification of Mental Health Disorders as :-

Dual-role Transvestism (F64.1) has three criteria:

1. The individual wears clothes of the opposite sex in order to experience temporary membership in the opposite sex
2. There is no sexual motivation for the cross-dressing
3. The individual has no desire for a permanent change to the opposite sex  

So was this the final nail in the coffin, did I dress to experience temporary membership as a woman?

I then came across Bigendered people, it seemed a simple solution, in that some days they identified as male, sometimes as female, but could move between the two genders.

Now I feel simply that I am Joe and I am Penny, and when I feel like becoming Penny then female clothing helps me match my inner self to my exterior form, but I am able to shed Penny and become Joe once more.

There is one label for that....'me'.