Gender identity and depression

Depression is a terrible thing, it sneaks up on you and envelopes you in its dark blanket. And it's made worse in that I for one know it's cure for me but am unable to take that particular pill.

It affects me, but I am coping, I wear my mask at work that everything is OK, I force a smile in front of my family, I face the world and tackle it head on, but inside I'm hurting.

The cure for me is my dressing, it lifts my spirit, I turn to the mirror and instead of seeing the sad,aging, grey man with the pressures of the world on his shoulders, I see a happy, younger, pretty woman smiling back at me. But sacrifices must be made, society would rather I be miserable than to make it uncomfortable with my gender identity. My wife gives me time to myself to dress up but it always feels awkward and I know it makes her unhappy, but I find myself wanting more and more, and counting the days until I next get the opportunity to dress again.

I read that 40% of transgender individuals attempt suicide, compared to 1% of the general population. Luckily I'm not in this 40%, but it's hard to shake the monkey that is gender dysphoria, time to put on my mask again.

Femininity and why I aspire to it

One of the reasons behind my crossdressing is to release my own femininity. As a generic male society tells you that boys don't cry, boys are not pretty, don't touch that! that's a girls toy! and that you shouldn't show emotion relief, pain or tears, however competitive emotions are encouraged. Boys should fight, and be better than each other - always establish the alpha male, every day is a battle for position. Indeed, any show of such feminine emotions and you are told to 'stop being such a girl', 'man up', and by being brave 'it takes balls'. Convention is that showing any form of femininity as a man is showing weakness, and that acting in anyway like a girl is an insult. So why is it as a me as a man wanting an expression of femininity is so wrong? It's almost as of society has told me I won life's lottery and I'm turning down the prize money!

There are many positive qualities as a female that I am so jealous about; their ability to hold a conversation with strangers in a queue at a supermarket or postoffice when I stumble over what to say to people I know, their deep friendships that last a lifetime , their ability to be able to express emotion when times I feel like Mr. Spock.

And many strong male qualities I find abhorrent, mainly the constant battle with alpha males trying to prove their dominance, the bragging and the way many of them talk about women as objects. As a genetic male I am often embarrassed and apologetic about the actions of my peers.

It's best to describe my emotions as presenting as a female, it takes a lot of effort to pull it off,but when you have a fantastic dress, heels, tights, the makeup has gone to plan and doesn't look like a child's crayon drawing, the hair looks fantastic and like you've just walked out of the salon , when I stand in front of the mirror and see the finished product, my breath is taken away and I stand for minutes admiring and transfixed by the finished result.

I feel beautiful, and sexy, feelings I just don't experience as a male ,these feelings in turn give me confidence and my bearing goes from to my usual slump to a straightening of the back and a lift of my chin, and now I hold my head up high and a smile spreads across my face.

Yet I'm also quick to point out my own imperfections, shoulders too wide, legs too skinny, no describable shape to my body.

But I guess genetic women also do the same too.