I remember as a kid hearing about Transvestites for the first time and I remember a feeling of relief that I wasn't alone in the world. I hunted down a dictionary (the days before the internet!) and looked up the word to make sure it was real and instantly I felt I had a name for myself, yet as I heard the world used more in TV programmes and films instantly I noticed the derogatory use of the label as an insult, I discarded the term in referring to myself, I felt more just than a 'Tranny'.
When truly admitting to myself about identity, through research I learned that gender and sexual identity are interchangeable, and that there are many identities that fall within a Transgender spectrum or umbrella. Transgender was simply identifying as a gender different to ones birth but contained many categories:-
I chose a name for myself, that I was a Crossdresser, a name that didn't have the connotations and overtones that went with Transvestites, to me it simply meant someone who wears the clothes of the opposite sex.
Yet I knew this was not sufficient, I knew that it wasn't just the clothes, it was the whole 9 yards, when dressed up I felt female and I needed to be female, but I also needed to return back to being male. I felt almost schizophrenic, a battle of personalities within me. The conflict of personalities would affect my mood and I needed to become Penny, I needed to almost inhabit the identity and embrace that feminine side to me that my male side suppressed.
When I went to counselling about my gender identity, in my quest for my identity my councillor stated that I fell under the definition of a Dual-Role Transvestite ( I wasn't happy with the T-word used but the definition fit), a DRT is defined under the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD) under ICD-10 which is the classification of Mental Health Disorders as :-
Dual-role Transvestism (F64.1) has three criteria:
- The individual wears clothes of the opposite sex in order to experience temporary membership in the opposite sex
- There is no sexual motivation for the cross-dressing
- The individual has no desire for a permanent change to the opposite sex
So was this the final nail in the coffin, did I dress to experience temporary membership as a woman?
I then came across Bigendered people, it seemed a simple solution, in that some days they identified as male, sometimes as female, but could move between the two genders.
Now I feel simply that I am Joe and I am Penny, and when I feel like becoming Penny then female clothing helps me match my inner self to my exterior form, but I am able to shed Penny and become Joe once more.
There is one label for that....'me'.
