Femininity and why I aspire to it

One of the reasons behind my crossdressing is to release my own femininity. As a generic male society tells you that boys don't cry, boys are not pretty, don't touch that! that's a girls toy! and that you shouldn't show emotion relief, pain or tears, however competitive emotions are encouraged. Boys should fight, and be better than each other - always establish the alpha male, every day is a battle for position. Indeed, any show of such feminine emotions and you are told to 'stop being such a girl', 'man up', and by being brave 'it takes balls'. Convention is that showing any form of femininity as a man is showing weakness, and that acting in anyway like a girl is an insult. So why is it as a me as a man wanting an expression of femininity is so wrong? It's almost as of society has told me I won life's lottery and I'm turning down the prize money!

There are many positive qualities as a female that I am so jealous about; their ability to hold a conversation with strangers in a queue at a supermarket or postoffice when I stumble over what to say to people I know, their deep friendships that last a lifetime , their ability to be able to express emotion when times I feel like Mr. Spock.

And many strong male qualities I find abhorrent, mainly the constant battle with alpha males trying to prove their dominance, the bragging and the way many of them talk about women as objects. As a genetic male I am often embarrassed and apologetic about the actions of my peers.

It's best to describe my emotions as presenting as a female, it takes a lot of effort to pull it off,but when you have a fantastic dress, heels, tights, the makeup has gone to plan and doesn't look like a child's crayon drawing, the hair looks fantastic and like you've just walked out of the salon , when I stand in front of the mirror and see the finished product, my breath is taken away and I stand for minutes admiring and transfixed by the finished result.

I feel beautiful, and sexy, feelings I just don't experience as a male ,these feelings in turn give me confidence and my bearing goes from to my usual slump to a straightening of the back and a lift of my chin, and now I hold my head up high and a smile spreads across my face.

Yet I'm also quick to point out my own imperfections, shoulders too wide, legs too skinny, no describable shape to my body.

But I guess genetic women also do the same too.

Society and Labels

I remember as a kid hearing about Transvestites for the first time and I remember a feeling of relief that I wasn't alone in the world. I hunted down a dictionary (the days before the internet!) and looked up the word to make sure it was real and instantly I felt I had a name for myself, yet as I heard the world used more in TV programmes and films instantly I noticed the derogatory use of the label as an insult, I discarded the term in referring to myself, I felt more just than a 'Tranny'.

When truly admitting to myself about identity, through research I learned that gender and sexual identity are interchangeable, and that there are many identities that fall within a Transgender spectrum or umbrella. Transgender was simply identifying as a gender different to ones birth but contained many categories:-

I chose a name for myself, that I was a Crossdresser, a name that didn't have the connotations and overtones that went with Transvestites, to me it simply meant someone who wears the clothes of the opposite sex.

Yet I knew this was not sufficient, I knew that it wasn't just the clothes, it was the whole 9 yards, when dressed up I felt female and I needed to be female, but I also needed to return back to being male. I felt almost schizophrenic, a battle of personalities within me. The conflict of personalities would affect my mood and I needed to become Penny, I needed to almost inhabit the identity and embrace that feminine side to me that my male side suppressed.

When I went to counselling about my gender identity, in my quest for my identity my councillor stated that I fell under the definition of a Dual-Role Transvestite ( I wasn't happy with the T-word used but the definition fit), a DRT is defined under the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD) under ICD-10 which is the classification of Mental Health Disorders as :-

Dual-role Transvestism (F64.1) has three criteria:

1. The individual wears clothes of the opposite sex in order to experience temporary membership in the opposite sex
2. There is no sexual motivation for the cross-dressing
3. The individual has no desire for a permanent change to the opposite sex  

So was this the final nail in the coffin, did I dress to experience temporary membership as a woman?

I then came across Bigendered people, it seemed a simple solution, in that some days they identified as male, sometimes as female, but could move between the two genders.

Now I feel simply that I am Joe and I am Penny, and when I feel like becoming Penny then female clothing helps me match my inner self to my exterior form, but I am able to shed Penny and become Joe once more.

There is one label for that....'me'.

About Myself And This Blog

Firstly welcome to my page, hopefully you may find this blog an insight into the world of an individual who suffers from  gender identity issues with accompanying dysphoria.

It would be best to begin with me, or to best explain-both of me.

I am from the UK Midlands, I was born male..but during my childhood I discovered that I also possessed an inner female who over time has become more developed and more of a individual, who is released from captivity within my self via crossdressing, but while crossdressing is the label that best fits, this is more than just wearing womens clothing.

I live life as a 40 something male, a working Joe, I am a happily married father of one. I am heterosexual and attracted to women.I am shy, socially awkward, people perceive me to be intelligent, I am a bit of a geek. I work within a financial company where I go to work Monday to Friday in business attire. Yet under the surface bubbles another identity, my female self I have named 'Penny'.

Living with Penny is like living with emotional and forceful younger sister within your own head who fights for time and attention, she is more outgoing, she is more at ease socially, she smiles more, she wears brighter colours and is happy to show more flesh while my normal shyness causes me to always cover up, I shy away from shorts while Penny loves dresses and skirts.

When I commute to work via local transport, while going from one bus-stop to another, Penny will make me take a detour to walk past the big female clothing tours just to get a glance at the latest fashions in the window. When most men will be 'checking out' an attractive woman, Penny will be appraising the outfit and the accessory choices. She battles with me for my time, if I get time to myself Penny will stomp her feet and demand the time is spent as her. She fights with me for wardrobe space and demands that her wardrobe is bigger and more extensive, If she had her way, my own shoe collection would dwarf hers.

However the constant nagging from Penny with the pressures of life does causes me to get low, my mood drops, I cannot sleep, my ability to function as a normal human being falls by the wayside. without an opportunity to be Penny I feel like a ticking time bomb.

Like a lot of Crossdressers, you fall into the trap of thinking that marriage will change you and suppress the need, but admitting to my wife after years of marriage about Penny was the hardest thing I was able to do, and it took about five months of single and couple counselling to both of us to understand who I am, and that I am also Penny.

My wife accepts that this is a part of me, a single facet of my personality. I have had the opportunity the go out in public as Penny,I have quite literally walked a mile in a woman's shoes, and  have walked through a town centre during a busy evening as a woman and attended a local crossdresser support group. This was the most exciting, and at the same time the most frightening moment of my life.

So there it is, that's me. This blog will help to you to understand me, and hopefully a way for me to understand myself.